I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
