Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
