I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
