We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
