By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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