I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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