I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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