Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
This house was built for laser tag.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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