guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
