rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
