im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
