so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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