I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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