Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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