dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
