i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
