i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
