my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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