she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
