so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize