I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
