you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
