Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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