and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
