yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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