I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
