I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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