did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Actions speak louder than pants.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
