so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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