I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
