I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
