david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
