i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
