She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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