hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
