is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
