i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
