I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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