Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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