where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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