I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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