My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
