I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
