I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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