one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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