I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
