so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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