My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
