God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
