I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
