Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
