Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
