dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Randomize
