If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
