Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
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Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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