Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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