Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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